Sunday, May 6, 2007

Shear Genius Episode Three or Four: The Massage Episode!

Posted by Eric3000

So Evangelin won last week with her hedge clippers, which was the high point of her entire life:

Evangelin: "It does not get any better for me."

Well, that's a depressing yet accurate statement.

The quickfire challenge is to create a day-to-evening style:

Dr. Boogie: "OK, well I'll just make a dress with a jacket she can remove for a sexy, evening look."

No, that's Project Runway.

Boogie: "Oh, right. Then I'll just shave her head."

How is that going to transition from day to evening?

Boogie's client: "Just don't cut it too short."

Boogie: "What was that you said? Cut it all off? You got it, girl!"

Oh, dear. She had really pretty hair. I can't believe he did that to her. And her hair just looks hacked off. And does he really not know how to use a pair of scissors? They aren't that complicated. The clippers are great for some things but to be a stylist you should really know how to use scissors. Seriously, this is worse to me than Evangelin and her insistence on using those stupid hedge clippers.

Anyway, Boogie had to keep trimming her hair shorter and shorter because he couldn't get it even. She ends up looking very Miranda from Sex and the City, which is to say she looks like a lesbian. It's actually not too bad but, considering the fact that she didn't want short hair, I feel sick for her. She pretends that she's fine with it. I don't know why. It's going to take years to recover from that hair cut.

The clients have five minutes to change their hair from a day to an evening look by pulling it back and sticking shit in it. This is a fun challenge except I wish they had been given a little longer to change their hair. Why not ten minutes? It takes me five minutes just to put product in my hair. I can't imagine trying to create a real hairstyle in that amount of time.

So, obviously Boogie's client can't do anything to her hair to change it to an evening look. As Ben points out, maybe Boogie didn't understand the challenge. Evangelin gives her client instructions that will clearly take an hour to do so after five minutes her hair is just a mess. The others did a pretty good job. Ben's client did an excellent job with her up-do. It's very cute. But Danna wins.

The geniuses are sent to Detox Day Spa because they have just been working so hard, bless their hearts. Also because some of them are clearly addicted to crack.

Tabatha: "Oooh, that feels so good! Aaaah, yes, I am so feeling the love right now! That Evangelin is so wonderful and if she wants to keep using those hedge clippers I say more power to her!"

A few minutes later, back at the apartment:

Tabatha: "OK, the endorphins have worn off and now I'm pissed! Evangelin, you're an embarrassment to the entire styling profession and if you try to use those goddamn hedge clippers again I will kill you! And, by the way, normal people do not wear napkins stuck into their cleavage. This is not a Sizzler."

Evangelin: "You're just old. You don't understand the theory of evolution like I do. Well, OK, so I don't actually believe in the theory of evolution but my point is that people used to cut hair using rocks and then they used paper, and then scissors, and in the future everyone will use hedge clippers."

Tabatha: "I didn't realize you were an historian. I apologize."

For the elimination challenge the geniuses have to design a red carpet look for Vanessa Williams to go with a specific gown. At first the dress does not look very red carpet to me because I generally don't love patterned fabric for formal wear. But when we get a closer look and see that the plaid pattern is done with beading, I change my mind. It's very pretty.

Danna picks the order for choosing models:

Danna: "I'm just going to do the opposite of the order Tyson used last time."

Tyson: "You suck."

That was kind of a cop-out on her part. But I sympathise with her because it's such a stupid "prize" to award the winner of the quickfire. I don't blame her for not wanting to take that responsibility.

This seems like a fun challenge. The only problem may be that some of the clients had wildly different hair so it was hard to imagine all the styles necessarily working on Vanessa Williams.

Evangelin tells us how curly and straight hair are enemies and that she has organized peace talks for them.

Tabatha: "God I hate her."

Danna and Daisy are the top two. Ben and Evangelin are the bottom two. Ben is laughing:

Ben: "Sorry. It's just funny."

Sally: "Funny how? I mean funny, like I'm a clown? I amuse you? I make you laugh? I'm here to fuckin' amuse you? What do you mean, funny?"

Ben: "I'm sorry I'm not taking hair as seriously as I should."

Danna wins. Eric guessed this because he thought he had seen Vanessa Williams sporting this look on the red carpet. Don't remember seeing the dress, though.

Evangelin is out. Her speech is so long the orchestra has to play her off the stage.

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