Shear Genius Episode 7: Photo Shit!

Oh, sorry; pardon my French. I should have said "Photo Shoot."

Posted by Eric3000

You'll remember last week's episode ended with Tyson and Tabatha faking their own deaths to conceal their incestuous relationship. Daisy and Anthony won, which means Anthony will be going home this week (it can't be Daisy)!

The quickfire challenge will be to work with Franco-American hair:

Guest Judge: "First you have to determine whether the hair is more like SpaghettiOs or RavioliOs."

OK, I'm just kidding. The challenge is to work with African-American hair.

Anthony: "What's African-American hair?"

It's hair that African-Americans have.

Anthony: "What makes the hair American? Is it different from the hair of black women in England?"

I don't think so. The point is the hair is curly and you are supposed to make it straight.

Four African-American clients come onto the set. Coincidentally, they have African-American hair.

Don Imus: "Those are some nap ... OOF!"

Rene punches Don Imus in the nuts. Suddenly Rene seems slightly less annoying to me.

Ben, Anthony, and Daisy basically just iron the hair straight. Boogie uses a chemical relaxer on a woman who had a gorgeous afro. None of them look better than when they came in. Anthony wins.

Photographer Matthew Rolston has come up with four concepts for a photo shoot. Anthony gets to pass out the assignments. Does he use the opportunity to try to screw people over? no; he gives the other geniuses the concept he thinks fits them best. What the hell is his problem?

Tabatha: "I am so disappointed in him."

So, what are the concepts?

Daisy is supposed to make her model look like a drowned rat.

Boogie is supposed to make his model look like Molly Shannon from her blockbuster hit movie "Superstar."

Anthony's concept is Retro Glamour Fabulous Sexy Prostitute Girl. It will be a "horizontal look," which is a nice way of saying she will be laying on a bed looking like she is having sex.

And Ben gets Rebel Yell, which means he has to make his model look like Billy Idol. Preferably a young Billy Idol.

When the geniuses get back to the apartment there is a box from Jaclyn.

OH, MY GOD! Don't open it! It's a bomb! Jaclyn Smith is insane!

Oh ... ha ha; it's just a DVD. Never mind.

We meet Boogie's son. Excuse me? His what? Yes, you heard right; it's his son. Oh, wait; is his son white? I can't tell. Maybe he's adopted. OK, that makes sense. I wonder why we aren't introduced to his "wife."

We meet Daisy's girlfriend, Ben's girlfriend and Anthony's harem of women.

On the photo shoot Daisy does well. To me it just looks like wet hair but the judges like it so I'm obviously missing something. At first Sally thinks the hair is looking slightly tortured but then she decides that the hair doesn't look tortured.

Sally: "Sometimes wet hair can really look tortured."

OK, I think we've decided that Daisy is not a hair torturer. Phew! In fact, she wins it! This means she'll be out next time.

Anthony did not listen to Matthew about the model's roots showing:

Matthew: "You did not address the hairline issues. I will have you killed."

Ben seems to be totally screwing up but the pictures come out really good and Matthew is happy with his work:

Sally: "Ben is not afraid to fail."

Jaclyn: "Which is good, because he usually does."

Oh, SNAP!

Boogie completely took over the set because he has so much experience and is such a professional. He annoyed everyone and Matthew didn't like the results:

Matthew: "He seems arrogant."

Jaclyn: "I think he's just using the arrogance to hide his insecurity."

Sally: "Oh, don't be such a pussy, Jaclyn. You're over analyzing. Sometimes an annoying, prissy queen is just an annoying, prissy queen."

Boogie is out:

Boogie: "Thank you so much for sending me home. This was exactly when I wanted to be sent home. This is all according to my plan. Yep, I'm completely in control of this situation."

Anthony was supposed to be out. Maybe the curse of the wall of horror has been broken and Daisy won't be out next week!

OK, tune in next time for ... But wait; there's more!

If you order right now you'll get a second hour of Shear Genius absolutely free! That's right; two great hours, minus commercials, of this great fat-fighting program for one low price!

So, first of all, does Bravo really think we have nothing better to do that sit up until midnight watching some tired old queen, er, I mean to say the fabulous Andy Cohen interviewing the geniuses?

Oh, right; I forgot to whom I was speaking.

So, second of all, the reunion is not very interesting. We get a little of Dr. Boogie speaking of his own greatness, a Jaclyn Smith gag reel, which is cute, and Rene's catch phrases of "Hi, hi" and "shake it," which are quickly not becoming popular street lingo.

OK, I have to admit that I totally thought Boogie was joking in the first episode when he made the comment about not being gay. I couldn't believe anybody had taken it seriously. I think his exact words were, "Not that I'm gay or anything," which sounded like sarcasm. Anyway, it turns out he really does think he is straight:

Boogie: "Oh, yeah, I'm totally straight. I just really like having sex with men."

Well, I think that clears up that issue. Moving on: the consensus is that Tabatha is, in fact, a fabulous bitch, as if that fact were ever in question. Everyone hates Tyson but we still don't know why.

Then: Hedge-Clipper Gate!

Evangelin: "People come into my salon all the time asking for my special hedge-clipper cut."

Anthony: "But your salon is down the street from a psychiatric hospital, isn't it?"

Evangelin: "No. Why do you ask?"

Boogie: "He's saying you're crazy and you should be locked up. When did you become so mean and nasty, Anthony?"

Anthony: "I don't know which one of you is more stupid. I wasn't suggesting Evangelin should be in a psychiatric hospital. I was suggesting people would have to be a little crazy to want to have their hair cut with hedge trimmers. It was just a joke. Was it that complicated?"

And that's it! Tune in next time to find out if the wall of horrors spell has truly been broken so Daisy can go to the finale with either Ben or Anthony.

Rene: "Shake it!"

OK, give it up, Rene.

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Shear Genius Finale: Episode 6!

Posted by Eric3000

Sorry this is late; Eric Three Thousand has been experiencing technical difficulties.

Anyway, on with the Shear Genius finale!

Jaclyn Smith: "This show is dragging on too long so we've decided to just send the rest of you home today. I'm sorry but all of you have just given your last cuts."

Wow! Time really flies when you're having fun! That season went by so quickly; I can hardly believe it's over! Well, thanks, everyone, for reading. Good night and drive safely!

OK, fine, it wasn't really the finale. But seriously, this season is too short. Bravo was clearly afraid of making another Top Design flop so they made this series really short to test the waters.
So, there are six geniuses left. Tyson goes up on the wall of horrors so we know he's going home today. What we don't know is that he'll take Tabatha with him!

Tabatha and Tyson are members of their own mutual admiration society. They both think the other is their strongest competition. The difference between them is that Tyson seems to like Tabatha but Tabatha can't stand him. It's a little sad.

It's a team challenge:

Tyson: "Tabatha, will you be my partner?"

Tabatha: "Oh, god. As long as you don't speak to me and you stay at least five feet away from me at all times. Oh, yeah, and try to stay out of my line of vision. I don't want to have to look at you."

Tyson: "I really respect you."

Tabatha: "I thought we agreed that you wouldn't speak to me."

Ben is teamed up with Boogie and Daisy is teamed with Anthony. The teams go to Topanga Plaza (apparently now called Westfield Topanga. That fucking Westfield corporation is taking over everything!)

Ben is dressed in a ninja outfit:

Ben: "I decided this was the right moment to demonstrate that I'm completely insane."

Not so much. The challenge is to grab people in the mall and convince them to pay for haircuts. The team with the most money at the end of two hours wins.

Ben, Boogie, Daisy, and Anthony offer cheap cuts and get clients pretty quickly.

Anthony: "Well, it's taking me a few minutes. People in this mall are obviously scared by tall, attractive black men with British accents."

Yes, that's it; they're scared of you. It has nothing do with the fact that it's just strange for someone to walk up to a person in a mall and ask to cut their hair.

Tyson and Tabatha are having trouble getting clients because they are charging too much. Also because they look like rejects from the Adams Family.

So how did they do?

Ben and Boogie: around $250
Daisy and Anthony: around $300
Tyson and Tabatha: half a million dollars

Wow! How did Tyson and Tabatha manage that? How many clients did they have?

Tabatha: "We only had one client. We just know how to charge what we're worth."

Client: "They took my dog and said they would kill it unless I gave them $500,000 in unmarked bills. And, on top of that, they forced me to get this hair cut!"

Tabatha: "That's just a little misunderstanding. We offered to watch her dog for her and threatened to kill her husband."

Anyway, Tabatha and Tyson win the quickfire. This, of course, means they get the "advantage" of choosing the clients in the elimination challenge. I put "advantage" in quotes because it almost never turns out to be an advantage. That's one problem I have with these challenges: they don't really win anything. The supposed advantage they get by being able to choose clients first usually doesn't help them at all (this is proved by the fact that the winners are usually eliminated in the following episode). And I think I know the reason: the winner picks the best client and so they get less credit for having a big challenge. On project runway it actually is an advantage to have a good model because they don't get extra credit for making a crappy model look good. But on Shear Genius the judges see before and after photos so starting with the worst client can actually be an advantage.

Anyway, on to the elimination challenge: The geniuses have to create wedding hairstyles for a bridal party (bride, maid of honor, and mother of the bride).

Jaclyn Smith: "You will be judged on the style, how the three styles work together, how the styles compliment the dresses, and client satisfaction. You will not be judged on teamwork so I suggest you fight like drunken sailors."

Daisy and Anthony do a great job! There is no question they should win.

The other two teams don't do a great job. Ben and Boogie don't really satisfy their clients:

Boogie: "My client said she wanted her hair down so I told her she was an idiot and I put it up. Thank god I was there to save her from herself."

Tyson and Tabatha create ugly styles:

Jaclyn Smith: "Tabatha, can you tell us about these styles?"

Tabatha: "Well, basically, I can't stand Tyson. I think he's a horrible little creep. I didn't want to say anything because I'm such a caring person and I didn't want to hurt his feelings. But since you came right out and asked me about it, I can't lie."

Jaclyn Smith: "I didn't ask you anything about that."

Tabatha: "Well, I still hate him."

Jaclyn Smith: "OK, remember when I said teamwork would not be factored into our decision? Well, I lied."

Tyson and Tabatha are out.

Tabatha: "I don't care if I'm out as long as that horrible little troll is not going to win."

Tyson: "God, you're sexy!"

Tabatha: "I despise you!"

A catfight ensues. They are wrestling each other to the ground and tearing at each other's hair. Then they fall into a koi pond. After a while, they can't deny the sexual attraction any longer and they start making out. Then they discover they are long lost siblings. They continue making out. Later, it turns out they are not brother and sister at all; instead, Tyson is the child the doctors had told Tabatha had been stillborn. He was kidnapped and raised by the Carringtons. Then their car goes out of control and they drive off a cliff. But are they really dead? Tune in next time to find out!

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