Shear Genius: Texas Chainsaw Massacre

posted by Eric3000

For the third episode's quickfire challenge the geniuses get to watch Sally create her famous Sally shag.

Geniuses: "Ooh! It's such an honor to get to watch Sally perform a haircut!"

Well, yes, I guess it's marginally more entertaining than watching someone "perform" an oil change.

Then the geniuses have to re-create the exact cut. Tyson wins!

John Edwards: "I would totally pay $650 for that haircut!"

Ann Coulter: "Fag."

Jaclyn Smith: "The winner will choose the order ..."

OH MY God! There was the most ridiculously audible gasp in the Eric household! Seriously, we acted like she was about to say that the winner would choose the order of when the other stylists would be killed in a ritual sacrifice! We totally thought she was going to say that the winner was going to have to rank the other cuts and pick who would be going home! But, of course, she just said that the winner would be picking the order of choosing models in the next challenge. We collapsed in hysterics!

Anyway, Lacey is sent home because she did not understand the point of the challenge and did a completely different haircut.

The geniuses go back to the apartment and Rene tells them to shut up, as usual, and then tells them they have the right to an attorney and one phone call.

Most of the designers are crying about getting to speak to their family members, most of whom know nothing of the circumstances of their disappearances and assume they are dead:

Tabatha: "Anthony, explain to me why they are crying. Are they in physical pain? I am very interested in learning about human emotions."

Anthony: "They miss their families."

Tabatha: "Why? Their families are probably just a bunch of losers like they are."

Anthony: "You got that right."

So Tyson "wins" the fabulous prize of getting to piss off the other geniuses and decide the order of picking models. The other two "winners" in the top three get to be singled out as the top competition so Tyson can try to screw them over. This seems pretty pointless. He starts out by asking the others to tell him why he should pick them to choose models first:

Tabatha: "Oh, piss off, you little bitch."

OK, so that didn't work so well. Instead, he just ranks them and puts them in reverse order according to talent. I guess this gives him a little bit of an advantage but ultimately won't make a difference and the whole exercise is pretty humiliating.

Rene: "Shut the fuck up, everyone! I have a surprise for you! You will not only be picking models but also picking from these absolutely ridiculous tools that you have to use to cut their hair!"

Here are the tools they chose to work with:

Tyson picked an ordinary pair of sissors.

Boogie picked a grapefruit spoon.

Ben picked a CD jewel case.

Evangelin picked a gas-powered chainsaw.

Danna picked a trained ferret.

Anthony picked a Motorola Razr phone.

Theodore picked a Beadazzler.

Daisy picked a rake.

And Tabatha picked a set of Jonathan Adler placemats from Linens n Things.

Considering what they had to work with, they all did extremely well. Other than those hideous Cynthia Rowely outfits, the clients looked pretty good. Tabatha's client looked like she had pretty bad split ends but those plastic Jonathan Adler placemats are not as sharp as you would think. Boogie did a serviceable job but it was just too safe and boring. Theodore spent the entire time putting cornrows in his own hair and his client looked the same as when she came in.

Theodore is gone! Sob!

Evangelin did an amazing job! She got extra credit for using a chainsaw and she was not penalized for accidentally decapitating her client. That really wasn't her fault.

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