Iron Hair

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Announcer 2: "What's happening there in the corner?"

Announcer 1: "Ooh; someone is having major hairspray issues. I don't know if he's going to be able to recover from that."

Announcer 2: "Now, explain to me what's going on with all these asymmetrical cuts. Is that a new technique?"

Announcer 1: "Only if you're living in the 1980s. It's apparently big with people who think they are hip. We'll just have to see what the judges think about it. Oh, my goodness; they've been given the one minute warning. Some of the geniuses don't look like they are close to being finished. I will be amazed if they can pull this together in time!"

Announcer 2: "And time's up! Wow! There was some last minute snipping and blowing but they all finished! That was so exciting I'm completely exhausted!

Announcer 1: "Yeah, that was pretty dramatic. Right down to the wire! Let's see what the judges think. Jaclyn Smith likes the hair that looks like her own Charlie's Angels hair. Oh, dear; one of the judges tries to pull a comb through Jim's wig. You hate to see that.

Announcer 2: "Jim looks devastated. Could this be the end of the road for him?"

Announcer 1: "We'll just have to wait and see. OK, the judges are ranking them from best to worst. Paul Jean is in the top three and he's looking pretty confident. Tabatha is on the bottom. They pick models from best to worst. They are told they will be creating hair art."

Announcer 2: "Holy cow! I don't even know what that means but I'm really excited to see what they do!"

Announcer 1: "Hair art is one of the most important and respected aspects of styling. And it's something only a few people in the world are qualified to do."

Announcer 2: "It sounds really dangerous!"

Announcer 1: "Yes. And that's something most people don't realize. In most countries you have to have a special license to perform hair art. It's a very serious business. We should remind the viewers at home not to try this themselves."

Announcer 2: "That's an important reminder. Please, folks, this may look like fun but you need to leave it to the professionals."

Announcer 1: "The geniuses are running around Michael's buying craft supplies. Most of them are sticking to the hair art section but Theodore goes straight for the treasure chests. The old pros wouldn't take that kind of risk but he's going for it!"

Announcer 2: "Crazy kids!"

Announcer 1: "We're back in the studio and Tabatha is using a very difficult technique with feathers in a Mohawk shape."

Announcer 2: "Is there a special name for that technique?"

Announcer 1: "It's generally known as 'sticking feathers in the hair.' Tabatha is a master of this technique. I've seen her do it in competition before and, really, she's in a league of her own."

Announcer 2: "Danna is wrapping hair around balls. That looks really complicated."

Announcer 1: "Oh, it is. I can't tell you how many careers have been destroyed by wrapping those balls badly. Oh, oh, she's doing it! Yes, she's doing it! I've never seen ball wrapping like that! Unbelievable!"

Announcer 2: "Dr. Boogie is surgically inserting flowers into his model's hair!"

Announcer 1: "They don't call him 'Dr.' for nothing! That is some impressive flower inserting! Oh, over at station number 2 Ben is working furiously to finish something. Interesting fact about Ben ..."

Announcer 2: "Yes?"

Announcer 1: "He's a hairdresser but he isn't gay."

Announcer 2: "That is fascinating! Next you'll try to tell me the pope isn't gay! What's going on over at station 4? It looks like that French guy is acting like a total prick."

Announcer 1: "That's exactly right! It's a common technique in the styling profession known as 'giving attitude' and it's usually used by total assholes who are trying to make up for the fact that they have no talent."

Announcer 2: "He's using the technique well."

Announcer 1: "Yes. But his hair art looks like shit. He's given his last cut. OK, quiet! The models are demonstrating the hair art for the judges. This is the most critical part!"

Announcer 2: "I can't tell what's happening! It's all too technical for me!"

Announcer 1: "I know, it's difficult for the layman to understand. See, the models have tons of crap piled on their heads and the judges have to decide which pile of crap they prefer. The reigning champion is Tabatha; she's older and terrifying looking and she has the experience. Then we have the challenger, Theodore, who looks like Ryan Philippe and could win this through his youth and audacity. I mean, come on, he just stuck a jewelry box on his model's head! That's never been done before in hair art championships outside of North Korea! He wins it! Unbelievable!"

Announcer 2: "I can honestly say I have never seen anything like this before on television!"

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